Conflicts between children and parents

1. At what age do children most often come into conflict?
2. How to avoid?
3. How to resolve?
4. Psychologists' advice
5. Things to know (Q&A)

Conflicts often occur between parents and children of different ages. The reasons for their occurrence, as well as how to avoid and solve them, will be described in detail in our article.

At what age do children most often come into conflict?

Conflict situations in the family can happen to children of any age, but most often they occur between teenagers and their parents. This is explained by the fact that adolescence is quite ambiguous. It is difficult for the child himself, who is trying to realize himself, somehow stand out, assert himself, and for parents. That is, both sides are stressed.

This can be especially true for those parents who do not want to accept the fact that their child is growing up.

In addition, during adolescence, a person also undergoes puberty. Hormones are raging, because of which the teenager becomes more sensitive, and all his emotions, whether it be joy, irritation or anger, are expressed somewhat brighter. Controlling them is much more difficult than before. Against this background, the conflict between the parent and the child can develop literally out of nothing.

Causes

There are several reasons for the emergence of conflict situations.

From the side of the parents

One of the most common causes of conflict on the part of parents is high expectations. This item especially concerns the school and achievements in any sections or circles. Parents who want to see their child as the best in everything often do not notice that they do not motivate their behavior, but only put pressure and cause irritation. This often causes conflicts. In addition, the inability to meet parental expectations is often one of the main causes of complexes and low self-esteem in adolescents.

Another reason is an attempt to impose their views. We are talking about the eternal conflict of fathers and children, which is especially relevant for families with elderly parents. Teenagers, due to the characteristics of their age, usually strive for self-expression and independence. This applies to clothing, behavior and outlook on life. Attempts by adults who have a completely different view of things to somehow influence this, especially in a sharp form, are often perceived not as a desire to help, but as a desire to limit, from which conflict situations arise.

Violation of personal boundaries and overprotectiveness are other common phenomena that cause problems and quarrels between parents and adolescents. The desire to know how the child lives, to protect him from bad company, negative influence from the outside is quite understandable and is interpreted by adults as a common concern. However, some parents go too far: for example, they try to secretly read personal notes or correspondence, get into a teenager’s personal laptop or smartphone. In this case, care begins to look more like total control, and conflicts in this case are inevitable. In addition, parents who behave in this way run the risk of completely spoiling the relationship, because the child will not feel comfortable and become more secretive, and also cease to trust at all.

The inability to cope with emotions is characteristic mainly of adolescents, who are justified by the hormones raging at their age, but it can often be observed in adults. So, it happens that one of the parents, being unable to control his feelings, splashes out the negative associated with work or something else on the child: he finds fault with him over trifles, scolds him without objective reasons. In a teenager, this causes a natural reciprocal aggression.

The atmosphere in the family also has a great influence on relationships with children. So, if parents quarrel with each other on an ongoing basis, then the atmosphere in the family is heating up, and this tension also passes to a teenager who becomes more quick-tempered and irritable.

By the children

Child-parent conflicts often arise through the fault of children.

• Most often, the main reason for their occurrence is a violation of established rules of conduct. For example, rudeness in an attempt to demonstrate one's complex nature or a banal disregard for household duties without objective reasons.
• Another reason is the unwillingness to listen and hear. Teenagers often ignore the words of adults, perceiving them as notations and moralizing that do not carry anything useful. At the same time, parents are often driven by banal anxiety for the child and the desire to save him. The unwillingness of one of the parties to build a dialogue, the silence of problems - all this, in the end, results in conflict situations.
• Poor school performance, which can be caused not only by ordinary laziness, but also by specific problems with teachers, also often causes major quarrels. This is especially true in cases where parents are sure that success child in later life is directly dependent on school grades.
• Trying to draw attention to yourself is another reason. It often happens that parents do not give something to their child: it is not about things and money, but about understanding and support.

Desiring the attention of parents, a teenager begins to behave defiantly, using any means to achieve his goal.

How to avoid?

Initially, it must be said that it is completely impossible to avoid child-parent conflicts. Disagreements will arise anyway. However, there are ways to help prevent escalation of relations and unnecessarily violent conflicts, which often keep the whole family in suspense.

So, the main thing to do in order to avoid quarrels is to stop making 3 common mistakes that lead to them.

• The first mistake is complete self-righteousness and unwillingness to make concessions. Do not be categorical, listen to each other's opinions. This applies to both parties, but especially to parents, who, due to their age and the responsibility for upbringing entrusted to them, should be wiser and behave more mature from a psychological point of view.
• The second mistake is an attempt to respond to the child's aggression with the same coin. This behavior is unable to solve the problem. It will bring nothing but a spoiled mood and attitude. It is best to respond calmly and with restraint, trying to find out the reason for this behavior of the child.
• The third mistake is ignoring small problems. People tend to turn a blind eye to small quarrels and think that they are insignificant. However, these minor quarrels tend to accumulate, turning into a big ball.

In addition, there are other ways to avoid conflicts. So, try to communicate more with your child, find out what he is dissatisfied with, and what, on the contrary, makes him happy. This will not only help them know what is bothering them, but it will also help build trust, which is especially important in parent-teen interactions. Words of love or support will also be useful here. For a child, they are of particular importance, because he needs to know that he is needed, valuable, and in difficult times he has someone to turn to.

If there are any disagreements in your relationship, then try to remain calm and give constructive arguments in your favor, do not try to appeal that the child is still small in order to understand everything.

Do not compare him with other children: this will only aggravate the situation, and may not have the best effect on self-esteem.

How to resolve?

There are many ways to resolve internal family conflicts.

• Initially, you need to learn how to make concessions, find a compromise. If you are dissatisfied with the desire of the child, then do not be categorical and do not rush to immediately say “no”. Bring him into a constructive conversation, discuss all the pros and cons of what can happen if he does one way or another. This will allow you to fruitfully end the quarrel, while both parties will be satisfied with the result.
• In the event of a conflict situation that occurred due to the actions of the child, do not rush to blame him for everything. Analyze the situation carefully. Perhaps this is a kind of indicator that he lacks parental care and attention. Or there is some kind of gap in family relationships.
• Watch yourself, your behavior and what you say, be sure to control your aggression and emotionality. It is important to remember that it is the parent who is often the one from whom he takes an example for the child.

Psychologists' advice

Consider a few effective tips from experts that will be a good prevention of conflicts.

• In order to maintain a trusting relationship with the child and a calm atmosphere in the family, psychologists advise not to hush up problems and not to ignore them, letting them go by themselves. Conversations, discussion of everything that you and the child are dissatisfied with, attempts to understand each other - all this will allow you to coexist peacefully even with the most emotional teenager.
• When talking to your child, try to listen carefully. Be patient and don't interrupt, even if you don't agree with everything he says. Wait until he finishes, and only then calmly express your opinion on this matter. Try to argue it, without blaming the child for anything.
• It is especially important for parents not only to understand that they are adults, and therefore the main ones, but also to behave psychologically mature, guided not by emotional outbursts, but by reason. This will allow you to fruitfully resolve conflict situations, increase your authority in the eyes of a child.
• Do not take out negative emotions related to work or other extraneous problems on your family members. This will lead to not the best consequences and will only worsen your relationship.
• Do not forget about the compromise: without it, it will not be possible to resolve the conflict.
• Do not try to impose your society or care on the child, because often attempts to patronize cause a storm of negative emotions and irritation.

Give the child some freedom, let him make his own decisions in certain areas of life, ask his opinion when discussing something that concerns the whole family as a whole.

Things to know (Q&A)